Author: Room to Regulate

Room to Regulate started as an emotional release – I was tired of giving space to all the heaviness that comes with being your family epicenter – when I'm not regulated, no one is regulated. I wrote it all down. Every overwhelming, anxious thought. I sat with it. Then I built around it – because my story isn't unique. I have ADHD – late diagnosed, of course, the Millennial Mom special. Our anxiety manifested in different ways. We were unlabeled, mislabeled, re-labeled. We held it together through our 20s. Many of us excelled in our careers, and then came motherhood. For a long time I thought the exhaustion, the mental load, the constant recalibrating was just what motherhood felt like for everyone. Don't get me wrong. Whether you are neurodivergent, raising a neurodivergent child, a house full of neurotypicals (do those exist?!), married, unmarried, working, or not – parenthood knocks the wind out of you. And when you're an information seeker, the "why" rabbit hole is endless. It took a while to understand that a lot of what I was carrying wasn't a personal failing — it was a structural one. The systems around us — schools, workplaces, insurance, policy — were never built as an ecosystem. They were built as individual systems. The byproduct of that puts families with the most structural need at the highest risk for falling through the cracks. The hardest parts of my days were the predictable result of that gap, not evidence that I was doing it wrong.

Writing your own Forever

Who starts a new job 6 weeks out from getting married? Why add the stress? This girl. Why? Because who wants to come back from their honeymoon unhappy. Needless to say, this summer has been a bit of a whirlwind. Now, I’m less than a month out from the wedding, learning a new job, and pretty much a crazy person.

There are elements to wedding planning that you think about even before getting engaged. The givens- the dress, the venue, the flowers- the big stuff. There are things you know will be stressful- family, seating charts, money. But the last month of wedding planning is all the stuff you didn’t think about beforehand. It’s not the fairytale, it’s the logistics- what can I use to make this sign stay on the box, signs in general- like- I guess I need to label things. And then there’s the wedding and honeymoon documents- you think you’re just having a party and going on a big vacation. Little did you know, there are SO many documents and moving parts to all of it. It’s fun, don’t get me wrong, but it’s a lot. And for me, miss “I’ve got every detail covered”, it’s totally overwhelming to think that maybe I, in fact, do not. But all of the details I can handle. Now the real reason I’m writing this post: vows.

When we decided to write our own vows, I thought, “this will be easy. I write. I like to write about feelings. I’ve known him for 21 years. I’ve got this.” But no matter how elequently you write, it’s pretty damn difficult to sum up the reasons you want to spend the entirety of your life with another person, especially when that person writes just as elequently. Problem being- his writing delivers to a crowd. Mine emotes, while also presenting in a logical format. My writing has always been more fit for an educational forum. John has already written his vows- a draft anyway. Maybe I start here- with this problem. It’s not really a problem to share a desire and ability to write. I love that we can critique each other’s emails and really trust the other person’s ability to give the well thought-out feedback. But is that something you put in your vows??? There are things I want to say to him, things he kows, about how far I’ve come in my career and life due to his support and challenge to be my best self. But do I say those things in front of everyone? Maybe that’s my issue. As much as people see me as an open book, telling the world everything- there are things about our relationship that are private. And those are the reasons I love him. They are insecurities about myself that have washed away because he believes in me. Things that my strength and pride to the outside world wants to keep in our home. Balance has always been an issue for me. So how do I balance the right amount of feeling without word vomitting everywhere?

#thisis30

I stopped writing for a while, and by a while… it seems I mean three years. I guess I’ve been “too busy” or thought that I was being an angsty 20-something by emoting so much. Lately though, writing and reading is all I think about. I’ve come a really long way in the past three years. I’ve accomplished almost everything I wanted to accomplish by 30. In those angsty 20-something terms, I guess you could say I’ve “found myself”. Yup, checked all the boxes- career, raises, promotions, wonderful fiance, beautiful apartment, great friends.

You start to realize at a certain point that the boxes are never all checked. Life is constantly changing, we’re constantly changing- and the second we accomplish one life milestone, the next is looming in the near distance. I’m about to be married, and all I can think about is babies. The next career milestone is always on the horizon- and at 30- the balance between work and family begins to come into question. HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO IT ALL?! But we do. I’ve learned that no matter how quickly you advance your career, money is never not a problem. The problems just change form and urgency. All of our problems just change form, and continue to ebb and flow through our entire lives. For instance- my 91 year old grandparents STILL have the same stupid, petty fights that we do. That’s just the way life is.

I look back on the posts I wrote 3 years ago, and inherently, I’m still that girl… somewhere… but I’m also not. In some ways, I miss that girl. She had big hopes and dreams. She was lonely and wallowed a bit, but there was insight in that wallowing. Now I feel I just do- mechanically. What I don’t miss about that girl is the same thing. She wallowed- Now I know the what and how of changing my circumstance. It’s become second nature to not only survive, but thrive under pressure. I’m proud of that. I sometimes wish I could reach out to the people I met and have lost touch with from the first year I was here and show them the person I’ve become, but at the end of the day, I don’t need it. And that’s where I am. I’m contently a 30-year-old, media professional with all of her pieces falling into place who will always require a little bit of immediate change.

Boats, Bridges and Beginnings

Recently, I found a pier near my office. I have started coming here everyday to read, think, sunbathe, do basically anything in the grass high above the water. It has become a ritual of my lunch break. I love doing it!

Unfortunately, my temp job ends this week. I have been looking for a job for over six months. I’ve had interviews, done social networking, revamped my résumé… It’s frustrating. So, now what?

In one sense, I have another opportunity for a new beginning. In another, I am terrified!

Maybe I’ll just be a wanderer… Wander through life looking at all of the pretty things around me and reading all of the books I can get my hands on…

I don’t think that would work out too well…

I recently moved in with my boyfriend. He is a creature of habit. I am not. However, I am a creature of control. That is, I need to know that I have a secure grip on the situation at hand, i.e., a death grip. We spent the weekend reorganizing my things in the apartment to make me feel more at home. This is the one thing I can control right now. I would say my beed for control one of my best qualities at work, and worst in personal relationships.

Sometimes, you just need to let go. This year is teaching me that. For instance, I cannot control:

-my job is ending
-my living situation is not perfect
-my friends are busy people
-my boyfriend and I are both looking for jobs and cannot spend much time together
-whether or not the trains are on time

I can, however, control my response to these things.

A favorite quote of mine is, “you control your response and therein lies your freedom”. I found it in a fortune cookie. I have kept the folded fortune in my wallet for 7 years. It just stuck with me.

So this is my response…

There are many things I cannot control right now, but I CAN walk down to a pier in the beautiful sun, breathe deeply, and read a good book when I am frustrated. I CAN adjust my attitude.

Negativity is poison which consumes us and bleeds onto the people we come into contact with daily.

Now it’s your turn. How do YOU stay positive in the face of uncertainty?

Heart Forward

When things get difficult, we tend to look back, tend to see how things could have been different. Unfortunately, the life analogy of the “fork in the road” is misused. To use that analogy as a realism, the road behind the fork must turn to quicksand once we remove our foot from the place in which we stood. That is, we can’t go back.

This is more real to me than ever in New York City, a city which moves at such a rapid speed. It never stops.

My year has been full of choices. These choices have caused me to hurt others, hurt my back account, and gain 7 pounds. These same choices have caused me to make new friends, learn more about myself, and embark on a new adventure.

My temp job is ending in a week. I am terrified, but also not. My job search so far has been futile but this puts a fire under me and I am strong under pressure.

I am tempted at this moment to look back at the negative choices I made to get me here, specifically the heart I broke, but if I look back, I wallow in it, it ceases to have a purpose.

My only option is to find motivation, push forward, and to turn my mistakes into a catalyst for a better future for everyone involved.

I look at where I am.

“If I can make it here, I can make it anywhere” -Frank Sinatra

I am making it in an expensive city, getting interviews daily and at the very least, keeping my head above water.

How do you stay motivated when your past mistakes keep knocking at your back door?

Finding the Balance

Moving to a new city as an adult is difficult for many reasons. But mostly, it is a matter of balance.

How do you establish a career, learn where you’re going, and make new friends all at the same time?

As children, we are socialized. Our parents navigate our surroundings, our work depends on the bonds we form with others, and friendships are established easily by working in teams with peers with whom we spend everyday. On our off time (and we had a lot of it), we had play dates to further form these bonds.

As adults, we frankly just do a lot of stuff.

Including the time that it takes me to get to and from work, my job takes about 11 hours if my day 5 days a week, and that is on the low end for the norm of most New Yorkers. That doesn’t include getting ready in the morning, chores around the house and grocery shopping. On top of this, I am looking for a new job.

So, how do I balance this with the establishment of a social life? In truth, not well.

I find myself letting one or the other go. I am either totally wrapped up in the job search or realizing that I need close friendships and focusing my energy there.

Recently, I have developed a routine. I spend Monday nights alone decompressing, Tuesdays and Wednesdays I focus on my job search, Thursdays I try to make plans with friends, Fridays are date nights at home, and the rest of the weekend is a combination of relationship time, an hour or two of job search and one or two friend activities. This seems to work, but keeping a schedule this tight also does not leave room for flexibility, which is key in establishing new friendships.

How do you find a balance? Is there one? And the biggest question, has technology made this process easier or more difficult?

This little year of mine

This week, I turned 27.

I am officially in my late 20s. People jokingly ask if I feel any differently, and actually I do. I don’t feel settled in my career, I don’t feel old by any means, I don’t have it altogether, but for the first time, I feel like I know what “having it together” means for me. That is, I know who I am.

Knowing who I am doesn’t mean that I am finished growing and changing. This is a jumping off point. I have a desire to better myself, but I also have no desire to change vital things about my character. That insecurity is gone.

It’s true that college is the most carefree time in your life, but I wouldn’t label it as the best. I am not totally satisfied, but I do feel that I am the best me that I have been so far.

This year has been a big one full of changes, uncertainties, heartbreak, fear. Moving to New York, starting over; huge. I had lofty expectations of my career, new friendships, excitement, happy hours and exotic dinners.

Here I am, it’s 7 months later and I am still looking for the right job. I have made a few friends, but no super close bonds like I had envisioned. I am struggling financially. And I couldn’t be more me.

It’s the struggle that forces me to find happiness in little things. I walk through Central Park or on the East River when I need to think. I am the girl with her nose always in a book again. I cook. I drink wine on the balcony.

Feeling alone has its advantages. You find exactly who you are when no one else is there to tell you who you should be.

What’s it all about?

I began writing this blog with no real topic in mind. It has been a process and a slow one. I wanted to document my move. My plan was to document the process, but it has occurred to me that until recently, the process had not reached much evolution. How do you write about something when you nothing? Of late, my process has seen some progress. The process will never end, and I have a lot to learn about this city, but why not start there? To this point, I have left very little room for engagement and wasn’t that the purpose from the start?

Let me start with the stereotypical New Yorker. You know, that person that doesn’t exist…

Ten misconstrued notions and lessons I’ve learned as a New York City newbie:

1. Sex and the City was full of shit!! Most girls do not walk around the city in stilettos. Are you nuts? We walk everywhere. I had to trade in most of my “city style” boots for flat ones when I moved here and suffer many many blisters.

2. The cost of living is NOT covered by increased salary. Employers expect that if you took the chance to move here, that’s on you. While median salary is higher in New York, an entry-level job will most likely not cover the apartment you envisioned. (All of those TV shows with young people in spacious apartments- they lied too).

3. All of those successful friends you will meet, at one point or another, also did whatever they could to survive.

4. Forget number 3. Broke is just a foreign concept to some people. Either they have no loans, or their parents were shelling out rent money for a while, but having absolutely nothing, you might as well have 5 heads.

5. New Yorkers dress to impress. This is false. Fashion is all around the city, of course, but see #1. Most New Yorkers, especially the younger crowd, dress for comfort. Jeans are way more frequently acceptable in the workplace than in smaller cities.

6. Living in New York City can be like living anywhere else. While living expenses are high, there are plenty of ways to save. Living Social deals, for one. Free events and unknown little restaurants, for another.

7. Similar to #6- Living in New York does not mean going out every night and shopping every day. For some reason, all of my friends think they need to save money to visit me. What do you think we do on the weekends? Because usually, it involves super cheap drink specials with friends, ordering food from Seamless and drinking wine with a movie at home. You know, like everywhere else in the world?

8. A notion I’ve never had, but thought I should throw in here. “New Yorkers are rude and think they are better than everyone else”. UNTRUE!! Some people are rude, just like everywhere, but for the most part, most New Yorkers have been new to the city at some point and are often willing to offer directions or advice if you just ask.

9. The notion is that New Yorkers take cabs everywhere and dress like rockstars when we do it. Lies. We stack ourselves like sausages into subway cars in the morning, scramble for open seats, and really only take cabs when there is no convenient way to do it otherwise.

10. I’ve mentioned that most people you will meet have struggled in similar ways. Embrace that. Most young people move to New York for similar reasons. Find commonalities. This city has a niche for everyone. Some where on this hustling, bustling island are the best friends you’ll ever meet. (Sex and the City didn’t lie about everything).

11. (I know. I said 10…)
Networking is bigger here than anywhere!! In a city so large and full of creative people, using your network and building a network is key, socially as well as in your career. People want to help other people, and most want to make new friends. We are all pretty friendly. Don’t be afraid to reach out.

I’ve learned many other things since I’ve been here, and I’m still job searching, networking, struggling, and making friends. I love to stay busy, and this city certainly gives me that. I’m happy and I’m miserable at the same time, but the process continues and each day life gets a little more normal.