I have always been a writer. I have a lot to say, and the written word has helped me get all of that emotion out, whether by poetry or prose, over the years. After finishing college and creating this blog, though, it seemed that for once, I had nothing to say. I knew I had plenty of thoughts, but nothing tangible came to mind to solve any of the issues that I was having in my life or to give any piece of advice to others. This bothered me for months. Gradually, my life began to fall apart. I cheated on my boyfriend of three years with whom I was living. He was the sweetest man alive. He would have done anything for me. He was a soon-to-be Engineer with a kind heart and an amazing family. Unfortunately, there was something missing, something I could never quite put my finger upon. That’s sort of how every aspect of my life felt at the beginning of this summer. I was happy enough, but something was missing.
Years ago, I wrote a poem called “I am the Hurricane”. I refer to myself as being seen by others as the eye, that they will not see the destruction I cause until it is too late. That may be a little bit melodramatic, as most things written by 17 year old girls have the power to be, but it also portrays this summer quite well. I, at the center of the destruction I created, could not see past the debris. I wallowed in the wreckage of my relationship.
At the same time, my parents had just sold my childhood home, were living in a rental home and were in the process of purchasing yet another home. My job was (is) less than to be desired, and my car completely died on me and failed to pass inspection. Having committed such sins against such a nice guy in a small town, my friends were not exactly on my side. A few stuck by me, but for the most part, I felt very alone.
Some people fall with grace and get back up slowly and with just as much grace. Others, like me, need to hit rock bottom and risk being painted all over the concrete before they can get back up. Fortunately, the second type, though we may be the train wreck you can’t help but stare at for a brief moment, we tend to bounce back a lot faster and learn the larger lesson a lot more effectively. At least, that’s what I would like to believe. I found that during this time, like the bewildered period of time before it, I could not get any words onto paper or a screen. I couldn’t move, couldn’t function. But one day, I snapped out of it.
Suddenly, I saw beauty everywhere again, a quality I had lost for a while. I felt capable of changing the world again. See, that’s what I want to do. I want to change the world. I want to make it a better place, you, know, like everyone else does. But during my low period, I forgot the qualities that exist in me that make me capable of having a hand in doing so. I forgot the things that I love.
I should tell you how I ended up in this guilty spot. I cheated on my boyfriend, the engineer, with a guy who will never in a million years amount to the person that my boyfriend was. He will never be as accomplished, and he will never be as kind. He, however, was extremely adventurous and had just gotten back from teaching English in Thailand. What I did with him was in no way worth losing the relationship, especially the friendship, that I had with Matt. The guilt ate at every part of my soul and made me feel incapable of helping others, which is what I have always wanted to do. How could I possibly help others to achieve a positive life experience if all I could do was screw up my own? At one point, my parents were buying a house that I could not live in with them, I was running away to the beach every weekend, and when I wasn’t doing that, I was crying in the bathroom at work, or crying myself into an insomnia- a constant migrained, comatose state, in my room. At that point, I had hit the bottom of the barrel, but somehow managed to secure a job interview out of town.
The interview wasn’t all it was cracked up to be, nor was the area where I would have to move, and I didn’t get the job. That weekend, I decided to travel. I went out in Philly and I took a bus to New York City. On the bus ride, I began to see beauty again. I began to realize that all of this had a purpose. There had been something missing in my life, and while I could have chosen a much better way to do it, my need for having to shake myself free from the stagnant life I was living was not a bad thing. Take the cheating out of it, and it is truly a positive quality to know when you are unhappy, to want bigger things for your life, and to go after them. No, I am not condoning what I did, and I am so sorry that such an amazing person had to get hurt in the process, but it forced me to change. It forced me to make changes that I had been dancing around for years. I had put myself in a position to have no other choice. Sometimes, you need to test yourself, to corner yourself in order to learn from yourself.
I am currently looking for jobs in New York City, possibly moving in with family for a little bit, my parents are moving today, and all of my belongings are in storage. My life is a mess right now, but something about it is invigorating to me. I am headed to the city to visit a friend for the weekend with resumes in hand, and am using my imagination to land jobs. The world is truly open to me for the first time in a long time. I’ll let you know how it goes…
