Big choices in life always come with mixed feelings. I haven’t blogged since my first entry because sometimes there was such a lull, I had no idea what to say and sometimes there was so much going on, I had no idea where to start.
I moved to New York City. Me. By myself. I took the leap. No job, no apartment, but surrounded by loving and caring people who supported me every step of the way.
At first, I was ecstatic and confident. I had left behind a job that I was dissatisfied with, a home that I had broken, and the friends I had- I knew they would stick by me regardless of location.
Now, I have my days. The job search is hard, really hard. I know my skills, I articulate them well, but it is very difficult to get your foot in the door without tried and true connections. Don’t get get wrong. I am a great networker. The problem is, in this day and age, so is everyone else. There are days when I feel completely incapable, lost, and alone. Days when I just need a hug and there is no one to give one. Days when I think, I left a great guy and our life together- then realize that while he was wonderful, we weren’t right for each other, I was awful to him, and it is the stability of our life together that I miss. Living with a cousin, without my belongings, things can seem quite unstable.
On the other hand, there are more days that I have total faith in my decisions. Sure I am scared, but if you live in fear of the unknown, you will never take a chance. I am dating someone new- someone I have known for many, many years. He is motivated, communicative, supportive, and fun. He takes me places, shows me things, is innovative. Mostly, it is the communication and support that I appreciate. He makes me feel more capable by discussing things with me.
Job hunting, while frustrating, also has its perks. I try to see the benefits and lessons in the process, and explore a new part of the city and a new coffee shop every day. Writing cover letters helps me to remember my ability to write. I also spend time researching facts about organizations and making comparisons. This reminds me of my strong research skills. I give myself goals everyday and reward myself when I meet them. When I seek things through new avenues, I remind myself that I am creative and innovative. It all helps to pull me out of a slump and boost my self-esteem again.
Today, some things began to come together. I heard back from one organization, a temp agency, and a potential roommate. All make me feel like I worked hard to make something happen, though I am trying not to get my hopes up too high and let myself down.
Chances come with mixed emotions, but I wouldn’t take it back for anything in the world. Many would think I am crazy to give up the stability that I had for uncertainty, and maybe I am. I am not a religious person, but I have faith that everything happens for a reason. I wanted this and I will make it happen, one way or another.
